I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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