my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
