My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
