I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
