I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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