you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
