The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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