Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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