I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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