my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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