fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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