I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
