i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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