Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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