So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
