alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
