so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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