I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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