I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
