a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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