Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
