Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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