She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
