I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
