her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
