I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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