apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
