So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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