I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
