I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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