im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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