i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I love you. Go after that dick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
