im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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