he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
