I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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