He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
