My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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