Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
