Someone shit on the floor
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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