There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
