I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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