They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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