If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
