I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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