at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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