I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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