I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
