Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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