I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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