Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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