I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
