why didn't you poke me back
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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