I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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