I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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